Mission

I bring along a mission with me when I was born.
I do not know what mission is that.
But I know it was in planted in my mind.

Day and night,
I try to figure it out.
But I could not get any hint about this mission.


I know that I will change this world.
I know that I will influence people.
I know that...
I know nothing, but I know something will happen in the future.
It is just matter of time only.


Everything that happened,
Is preparing me for the day.
I do not know how long it takes,
But the day will come eventually.
And this world will either become a better world,
Or ends up in hell.

Lost

I feel lost.
Very lost.
I do not know where am I heading.
I do not know where is my destination.
And I do not know why am I still walking.

I'm not sure things that I'm doing now are right or wrong.
I'm not sure things that I'm doing now are worth it or not.
I'm not sure,
What am I doing.

I'm breathing but I don't feel alive.
I'm awake but I'm dreaming.
I'm not sure which one is the reality and which one is the dream.

I can't get out from it.
I'm trap.
I could not find the exit.


Or I choose to not find the exit?

Is it I'm the one who refuse to step out from the trap?
Is it I'm the one who refuse to wake up from the dream?
Because in my dream, 
Pain does not exist.

Lucky

I'm not romantic,
Well, at least I tried to be one sometimes.
I'm not handsome,
Well, at least I tried to be one sometimes as well.

She is a great girl.
She is kind.
She is patient.
She is loving.
She is gentle.
She is perfect.
As always.

I might not be the best for her,
Well, there are a bunch of nice guys out there.
I might not be the type she likes,
Well, it is okay because she is my girlfriend now.
I just want to say,
I'm lucky to have her.

I'm not fine

时间能冲淡痛苦，但是，我并不想用时间来治愈一切。

It was a torturing semester I would say.
I  know things will be hard, but I never know that I can't take it.
I thought that I was strong enough to deal with all shits,
I thought that pain is inevitable and suffer is just a choice.
I thought...
I thought I will be just fine.
But everything is just a thought.

I'm tired.

I had tried my best in coping with everything that I should but I failed.
I started to fall apart and break into pieces.
I would say I'm fine if I were asked in those days.
At least, I still can force a smile on my face.
But I can't now.
I'm not fine.

Pathetically,
I only can still tell myself,
Everything will be fine.

I'm fine

I will be fine because I need myself to stand up again.
I can't fall and keep on sitting there blaming the world.
This world is unfair.
This world is cruel and harsh.
Sitting here won't make any changes to this world or myself.
I have to stand up and deal with it.
Face it and solve it.

I used to wrote this.
I'm just someone who is afraid of failure that's why I'm working so hard now.
Definitely I'm not working hard now.
No point saying that I will work hard in the future as well.
Action speak louder than words.

所以无需担心我了，
之前担心我的人，
对不起。
现在的我，
或许不会很好。
但至少，
我还好。

Contradiction

It was a right thing to do.
I told myself.
You could have done better.
Others told me.

Believe and never give up yourself easily.
I told myself.
You are too stubborn. You never listen to others.
Others told me.

I care.
I told myself.
You just mind too much.
Others told me.

I.
Others.

Independent or dependent ??

It has been a long time since I update my blog~~
Well, the first reason will be I don't have internet access on my laptop most of the time,
and the next reason will be simply lazy..

Within these few weeks,
I had been through quite a lot I guess.
I was involved in an event.
Is a Musical Drama entitled "If . 如果"
I saw tears, argument, happiness, sorrow.
There are friends who become closer,
and of course friendship which breaks into pieces as well.
All these worry me lots.
I think too much perhaps.
I worry that I would lost my my best friend in the future.
She is a nice girl, but we are just too different from each other.
She is a positive one.
While I'm the opposite.

I can feel that we started to have gaps.
But I should somehow balance it by myself.
Everyone have their own life.
I can't own her of course.
But she is the one who make me become dependent on friends,
and I have to be independent now.
How contradict is that.
But I don't have another choice.
Solo seems like the only way.

I gonna face all these things alone in future.
Watching my friends leaving me.
Watching people quarrels.
Watching how events destroy people.
I start to wonder
does PR really suit me?
haha....I really have no idea

Black

I'm not sure decisions made are right or wrong.
I know that I hurting others.
And I know that I'm hurt as well.
Never felt this tired before.
Never until I start to give up on things.

I doubt on things that I used to hold on.
Principles that I used to practice.
I wonder what others are thinking.

I'm black.
I'm dark.
I was not born in the light.
My past made me who I am today.
True happiness is just a hope.
An illusions.
I'm negative.
I think a lot.
A lot more than I should.
I'm sad when I'm alone.

Positive is not the thing I have.
Happiness is just temporary.
Either it leave me.
Or I ruin it.
I thought I changed.
Well, there is a moment I thought I can change.
Throw away my past which haunted me for so long.
Turn out all I did,
was just faking.
I don't like it.
But this is me.
I can't change it.

I'm dark.
I'm negative.
This is me.
And now,
I shall embrace the darkness within me.
And let the dark have me.
I'm alone but I'm not lonely.
I have myself.

Smile

I can put a smile on my face anytime~
Is not hard to put a fake smile.
People tend to ask less,
care less.
And things can be solved easily.

A lot of things happened,
until I had reach a point,
where I felt tired to fake a smile.
It hurts deep inside my heart.
It feels tired to be strong all the time.

I do not know why am I going through all this.
I'm tired,
and mostly I'm afraid.
I just can no longer take it,
handle it or cope with it.

Things are pouring into me
and I have no where else to release all these feelings.
For the first time,
I felt the true helpless feeling.
All alone...
facing everything.
And the only thing you can do,
Is just shiver.

You don't know me.
That's why you can be mean.

The best

I wonder did I tried my very best in my life.
Well, every single time when I thought I did my best,
there are still times where I think that actually I can do far more better than now. we

I think I had work hard enough for my study.
But I'm not satisfied.
I think I had put in effort in friendship.
But turn out our gaps are still widening.
I think I had try my best to become a better person.
but I'm still not.

Well, before I come out with a solution.
The only thing I can do perhaps is to just continue work harder.
Harder and harder and harder...
Until the day I break into pieces.
And I shall stick myself back again and try again.
I think life is all about trying harder perhaps.

I want to be the best.
In everything.
I wish I could.
To be the best,
for you.

Tired

I tend to forget what tired truly mean.
I tend to sleep less nowadays.
I tend to stay awake in the midnight.
I tend to drink more beer.

Perhaps the truly tired is my heart.
The feeling of ignorance of lots of things.
The feeling of things are not that important anymore.
The feeling of others no longer truly matter anymore.

I think I'm physically not tired but I'm mentally tired.
I wonder how things will turn out in the future.
I no longer looking forward anymore.
And what replaced that,
was fear.
I'm afraid that in the end.
We are just stranger.
We are just hi-bye friend.
We are just course mate.
And we were friends.

I wonder is there anyone care that much as me.
Or I will just hurt because I always think that others care as well.
And turn out, 
they never even bother to know how I felt actually.
I'm just a tool for them.
A tool to ask question.
A tool to just clear their doubt.
Nothing but just a tool.
We aren't even friends.
Ha-ha, pathetic.

Nothing Truly End.

Just get to know that there were lots of people who are having the same result as me.
Perhaps some are better than me..?
Who knows...

Dissatisfaction towards myself.
The feeling of want to be much more better than anyone.
The feeling of want to be on the top.
Everything I did is not enough.
Still not enough to reach where I want to be.

Worries

There are lot of things which make me worry for the past few days.
There are things which until now I still can't truly let go.
The moment when I'm alone.
The consequences of everything I had done or I may do in the future.

My anxiety increased.
I have problems with sleeping in the night.
I looked clam on my face,
but deep inside my heart.
You will never want to feel it.

I think I'm gonna gone nuts soon.
The stress is killing me.
Taking over my conscious slowly.
I wonder do I still doing things rationally.

I faked more than usual.
I'm just tired to be nice anymore.
That's why I just fake.
And someday,
I'm gonna take away my mask.

And the show will begin

Changes

There's only one thing which doesn't change throughout time.
Changes.

I do not know that am I the one who changed or I'm the one who think that I mean  that much to others.
Undeniably I do not really felt angry once I found out.
It just seems like I no longer care or bother anymore.
Perhaps I did changed.
Well, changes is good.
It just help us to become a better person.
A stronger one.

Most of the time,
emotion will only drag you back.
Sympathy is just  things that others use on you.
I tend to care less but deep inside my heart.
I still care.
Perhaps I'm just tired of being hurt.

I've changed.
And you will know.
Perhaps when you know.
You don't even care.

I do Care

I thought that I will be very steady.
I thought that I will take it easily.
I thought that I will be just fine.

Well,
Turn out I did felt something.
Turn out I can't really take it.
Turn out I am not fine at all.

But time really gonna just make everything fade.
The feeling just getting lesser and lesser.
Instead of hatred towards myself,
It replaced by the spirit of strike harder.
My ego shall push me further.
To break my limitation.

This time you are just beside me,
and the next time,
I will be in front of you.
I mean no offense.
But my ego just killing me.
To be the best among the best.

I'm just tired of admiring others.
Tired of jealous on others.
Tired of looking other's glory.
Is the time that I'm admired by others.
Nothing is impossible.
Because I shall make impossible to possible.

Back to the starting

Well...here I am.
Back to the place where I had been gaining confidence all these while.
Back to the place where I had felt so close with my love one.
Back to the place where I get to know a bunch of friend who I can called them as friend.
Back to the place where I get to learn how to be a better person.
Back to the place where you know how cruel is the reality.

This time,
I shall work harder, harder and harder.
Because every single time when I thought that I had gave my very best,
The moment the result was released,
I will always feel that there are still spaces to improve.
Maybe harder is never enough when there is hardest.
Just like good is not good when there is better and the best.

My third semester.
Although I'm sick now...
Some more my new hair style was quite...
'Creative' I would said...
Well,
Is a weird starting,
but I believe it will be a good one.

May everything go smooth for me.
Once again I shall prove myself.
My ability.
My capability.
To be the best of the best.

Restart

3 more days left before my results of last semester will be released.
I really have no idea how it will turn out.
Will I be in the President list?
Or Dean list?
I knew that a lot of people say that result is actually nothing.
I used to think like that as well.
Perhaps it was just a lie,
a kind of comfort that I used on myself when I get shit result.

But now is different.
I'm not like those days.
I had put in efforts.
I want to be better than others.
I want to be the best.
Not just a normal guy with a normal result.
I want to shine.
I want to success and stand on the top of the hill.
I want everyone to recognize my ability.
I want everyone to know that I'm the best.

Others may think that I'm just an ego person.
Someone who afraid to lose to others.
M ego nurture me to someone like me today.
Someone who desired success.
Is true that I'm afraid to lose to others.
Because I had fall enough.
I had break the hearts of people who care about me.
Made them disappointed with my shit result.  
That's the reason why results mean a lot to me nowadays.
That's why I stress myself with my results.
I do not want to fail again.
I'm sick of jealous other's results.
Is time for me to be in the top.
While others looking high upon me,
Jealous,
Salute,
Admire,
Hate.
I want to be the best.
And I will be the best.
It will be a new starting again.
Let the game begins.

Faker

I have lot of masks.
And I wear it most of the time.
I fake a lot.
Quite often I guess.
But lately I just seems to be lazy to continue faking everything.
Just lazy to hide my feeling anymore.

If you saw my face was pretty awful.
Congratulation my friend.
You had successfully piss me off to the extend where I just don't even feel like fake another expression for you.

I fake because I still care.
I fake because I still respect.
I fake because you worth it.
So when I don't.
Remember,
you don't deserve it.
You mean nothing to me.

Hair is getting longer by the way...
Wonder should  I cut..?