Tired

I tend to forget what tired truly mean.
I tend to sleep less nowadays.
I tend to stay awake in the midnight.
I tend to drink more beer.

Perhaps the truly tired is my heart.
The feeling of ignorance of lots of things.
The feeling of things are not that important anymore.
The feeling of others no longer truly matter anymore.

I think I'm physically not tired but I'm mentally tired.
I wonder how things will turn out in the future.
I no longer looking forward anymore.
And what replaced that,
was fear.
I'm afraid that in the end.
We are just stranger.
We are just hi-bye friend.
We are just course mate.
And we were friends.

I wonder is there anyone care that much as me.
Or I will just hurt because I always think that others care as well.
And turn out, 
they never even bother to know how I felt actually.
I'm just a tool for them.
A tool to ask question.
A tool to just clear their doubt.
Nothing but just a tool.
We aren't even friends.
Ha-ha, pathetic.

Nothing Truly End.

Just get to know that there were lots of people who are having the same result as me.
Perhaps some are better than me..?
Who knows...

Dissatisfaction towards myself.
The feeling of want to be much more better than anyone.
The feeling of want to be on the top.
Everything I did is not enough.
Still not enough to reach where I want to be.

Worries

There are lot of things which make me worry for the past few days.
There are things which until now I still can't truly let go.
The moment when I'm alone.
The consequences of everything I had done or I may do in the future.

My anxiety increased.
I have problems with sleeping in the night.
I looked clam on my face,
but deep inside my heart.
You will never want to feel it.

I think I'm gonna gone nuts soon.
The stress is killing me.
Taking over my conscious slowly.
I wonder do I still doing things rationally.

I faked more than usual.
I'm just tired to be nice anymore.
That's why I just fake.
And someday,
I'm gonna take away my mask.

And the show will begin

Changes

There's only one thing which doesn't change throughout time.
Changes.

I do not know that am I the one who changed or I'm the one who think that I mean  that much to others.
Undeniably I do not really felt angry once I found out.
It just seems like I no longer care or bother anymore.
Perhaps I did changed.
Well, changes is good.
It just help us to become a better person.
A stronger one.

Most of the time,
emotion will only drag you back.
Sympathy is just  things that others use on you.
I tend to care less but deep inside my heart.
I still care.
Perhaps I'm just tired of being hurt.

I've changed.
And you will know.
Perhaps when you know.
You don't even care.

I do Care

I thought that I will be very steady.
I thought that I will take it easily.
I thought that I will be just fine.

Well,
Turn out I did felt something.
Turn out I can't really take it.
Turn out I am not fine at all.

But time really gonna just make everything fade.
The feeling just getting lesser and lesser.
Instead of hatred towards myself,
It replaced by the spirit of strike harder.
My ego shall push me further.
To break my limitation.

This time you are just beside me,
and the next time,
I will be in front of you.
I mean no offense.
But my ego just killing me.
To be the best among the best.

I'm just tired of admiring others.
Tired of jealous on others.
Tired of looking other's glory.
Is the time that I'm admired by others.
Nothing is impossible.
Because I shall make impossible to possible.

Back to the starting

Well...here I am.
Back to the place where I had been gaining confidence all these while.
Back to the place where I had felt so close with my love one.
Back to the place where I get to know a bunch of friend who I can called them as friend.
Back to the place where I get to learn how to be a better person.
Back to the place where you know how cruel is the reality.

This time,
I shall work harder, harder and harder.
Because every single time when I thought that I had gave my very best,
The moment the result was released,
I will always feel that there are still spaces to improve.
Maybe harder is never enough when there is hardest.
Just like good is not good when there is better and the best.

My third semester.
Although I'm sick now...
Some more my new hair style was quite...
'Creative' I would said...
Well,
Is a weird starting,
but I believe it will be a good one.

May everything go smooth for me.
Once again I shall prove myself.
My ability.
My capability.
To be the best of the best.

Restart

3 more days left before my results of last semester will be released.
I really have no idea how it will turn out.
Will I be in the President list?
Or Dean list?
I knew that a lot of people say that result is actually nothing.
I used to think like that as well.
Perhaps it was just a lie,
a kind of comfort that I used on myself when I get shit result.

But now is different.
I'm not like those days.
I had put in efforts.
I want to be better than others.
I want to be the best.
Not just a normal guy with a normal result.
I want to shine.
I want to success and stand on the top of the hill.
I want everyone to recognize my ability.
I want everyone to know that I'm the best.

Others may think that I'm just an ego person.
Someone who afraid to lose to others.
M ego nurture me to someone like me today.
Someone who desired success.
Is true that I'm afraid to lose to others.
Because I had fall enough.
I had break the hearts of people who care about me.
Made them disappointed with my shit result.  
That's the reason why results mean a lot to me nowadays.
That's why I stress myself with my results.
I do not want to fail again.
I'm sick of jealous other's results.
Is time for me to be in the top.
While others looking high upon me,
Jealous,
Salute,
Admire,
Hate.
I want to be the best.
And I will be the best.
It will be a new starting again.
Let the game begins.

Faker

I have lot of masks.
And I wear it most of the time.
I fake a lot.
Quite often I guess.
But lately I just seems to be lazy to continue faking everything.
Just lazy to hide my feeling anymore.

If you saw my face was pretty awful.
Congratulation my friend.
You had successfully piss me off to the extend where I just don't even feel like fake another expression for you.

I fake because I still care.
I fake because I still respect.
I fake because you worth it.
So when I don't.
Remember,
you don't deserve it.
You mean nothing to me.

Hair is getting longer by the way...
Wonder should  I cut..?