Happy Birthday, Brian

I believe when I finish this...
It will be my birthday ady><
So, I would like to be the first one to wish myself then.
Happy birthday Brian.
I wish you happiness, simple happiness where you can find in everything.
Healthy life, so that you can enjoy the rest of your life fully.
And all the best.

It had been a tough year.
A lot of things happened.
But no worry.
All these gonna make you a stronger person in the future.
Every pain that you undergone and felt,
will make you stronger no matter physically or mentally in the future.
You will not fall down,
because you no there's no time for you to fall down and stand again.
You had fall enough.
Problems that you faced in the future can't knock you down anymore.

Everything won't be just fine in the future,
You knew that very well.
But you will can overcome every obstacle that you face in the future.
You know that,
you have to.

Things won't change much except more challenging.
Good luck then.
I know you can, Brian.
Because I'm you.
Once again,
happy birthday.

Over Reacted

Year 2014,
Before I end this year,
I had made one decision which would change my whole life.
Not become better of course but worse.
I do not know whether the consequences that I have to face in the future is worth it or not.
But in these few weeks,
I hardly can sleep.
I have to admit that if I were given the chance to choose again,
I will definitely choose the opposite.
Although lots of people gain benefit(dunno whether this is the correct word to used or not><) from the decision I made.
But the stress that I faced in the past few weeks.
And the stress of the consequences that I may face in the future.
That's something too much for me to bear all of it.

I'm afraid that someday,
I'm gonna break down.
And that time,
no one will really understand what I had gone through.
I have no idea why even until today,
I still put others more priority than myself.
I still don't know why I can't be more kind to myself.
And I really don't know in the end.
Is there anyone who truly appreciate it or not.

Someday If I fall,
Is there anyone who will hold me?
haha....
I wonder..?

Separation

I knew that all thing will come to an end eventually.
Nothing truly last forever.
Been knowing all these things since a long time ago,
but every single moment when there was separation,
the feelings will never change.
All the emotions will rush out from my heart,
all the memories will came out of no where,
and make me moody.

I know I'm someone who is quite emotional.
But I just can't control it.
I don't like the feelings of being apart from people who I like and love.
It had been years that we all build up the relationship.
From strangers to friends,
I knew everyone gonna say goodbye someday and never meet again.
But then,
I still can't control all the fucking emotion.

In the end,
we all will just separate,
and life will just goes on.
And I will continue undergo all this miserable feelings.
Again and again.

A different angle

I have been making my life quite miserable for the past few days.

Thinking of things which basically I cannot solve at all.

And some of them are even out of my control.

Or things that none of my business at all.

Torturing my mind in all kind of ways.

Making myself moody for dunno what reasons.

Thinking too much,

care too much,
putting too much emotion,

depend too much on others.

Saw one quote which quite inspiring.

To not let others be the source of your happiness(sort of).

Maybe I had been depending too much.

Okay...I admit.

I have been depending too much.

Is like too too much.

Okay.

Is fucking much.

Maybe is time to just be myself back.

The calm one.

The observer who always see from different perspective.

The one who instead of making his life miserable, make his life much more entertaining by observe others.

The one who see things more clearer than others.

The one who feel like everyone around him was like a fool.

The one who think that friends are not that important.

(Which kinda hard because friends are extremely important.)

But I think.

I used to be an asshole.

So, basically I have no idea what to do.

But there are still people saying that I'm an asshole now.

Maybe there is no different at all.

Haha...

Well, I will just try harder then.

To make myself more happy and less asshole as well.

Steady.

Time to end the contradiction

Pain is inevitable but suffer is a choice.

Hence,

I shall choose the other way.

I shall stop everything.

Every single things that bother my mind.

Every single things that make me feel down.

Is time to put all these to an end.

I don't care.

Because I don't have to.

Is not my duty.

Is not my responsible.

Is not my obligation to do so.

And lets put all the contradiction to an end.

I shall do what I want.

Feel what I feel.

There's no need to keep on think about others before myself anymore.

Is time,

just to care about myself.

Only myself.

Maybe I will feel a lot better.

Sorry Brian,

for making you suffer all this while.

Contradictory 7

I knew that the world outside is gonna be cruel.
I knew that kind people aren't that much outside there.
I knew that true friends only appeared in secondary school.
(But I found one in university)
I knew that people are friend with us because they can gain advantages from us.
I knew that this world,
is just like hell.

But I just couldn't be cruel.
I sill think that there are still people who worth me giving the very best of me.
There are still people who are truly kind.
I still remembered what my lecturer told me,
you are too kind.
And someday, 
you will get killed by your own kindness.

I love all my friends.
I knew that in this world,
No one have the obligation or responsible to treat us nice.
But I still do so,
because I wish that I'm able to help others.
But,
I'm just started to get a bit tired.
I don't know.
I have no idea at all.
But sometimes, I just don't feel like I am friend to them.
Maybe,
from the beginning, 
I'm already not.

But I still hope,
and keep on hoping things that may not happen.
Contradiction.

Contradictory 6

Two things is very true that when you are busy, 
you won't think that much.
Secondly will be music really helps a lot.

I do not know why there are weird feelings which I can't control whenever I think about it.
The feeling is so strong,
until it surprised me that I did actually care that much.
But anyway,
It's still none of my business, 
I shouldn't make my life so damn miserable.

Thing happened yesterday make me think a lot about love.
I believe that love brings nothing but just pain in the end.
And things happened yesterday, 
just proof it right again.
How I wish that I was wrong,
even tough I knew that it is impossible for me to be wrong.
Because the pain that we get from love,
is incomparable to all the happiness in the process.
In the end,
pain is the one which stay in love,
and nothing else.

This world is not that perfect as I expected.
And I ain't gonna hope that it will become perfect in the future.
Because of humanity.
ha...contradiction.

Contradictory 5

Things started to become better I guess.
At least I tend to think lesser.
Perhaps is because I'm busy with other stuff only.

Decision made by today, 

Action taken today,

Gonna make a great impact in the future.
I dunno what will happen,
but if come to worst,
I really don't know whether I can handle it or not.
I seems to be strong in front of others.
But deep inside,
I just a normal people.

Faking that image too long, 

just make me so tired to continue.

Things are hitting me,
one by one,

harder and harder.
I really don't know how long can I stand it.
How long can I face it.

How much I still can take it.

And the moment if I break down...

Perhaps I will never able to stand up again.

Just feeling so tired.
I do know that the choice is in our own hand.
We all make our own decision and no one decide what we want.

But I can't.

Every single decision and action I made,

All is affected by a lots of factors.

I'm strong,

but I'm not.

I'm happy,

but I'm not.

I'm fine,

but I'm not.

I really don't know,

how long,

I can hold it.

I'm just too fine in others eyes.

Nobody really know what I'm going through now.

Contradiction.

Pathetic.

Contradictory 4

Sometimes I wonder.
Who am I truly to others?
Friend?
Brother?
Classmate?
Course mate?
Schoolmate?
Stranger?
Asshole?
Someone who is just too kind to be used?

I really hate those feelings.
When is holiday,
we are strangers.
And when the school start again,
we are friends and ya, I'm gonna find you.
What is your result?
What the tips for mid-term and final?
How to do the assignment?
Is it really nothing that we can talked beside academic?

I know that university are place to prepare you in the future.
Hence, we all have to be strong, trust nobody, be realistic.
I wonder where all the true friendship gone.
I wish that I was independent enough to be alone,
but I was addicted to the feelings of surrounded by friends.
Contradictory~
I wonder....who am I to you, my friend.
I wonder~~~

Contradictory 3

You never truly own something because nothing is truly belong to us.
This came to my mind today.
There are things that I thought that I owned them..
My family, friends, even myself.

But I'm sharing my dad with others.
Family members that aren't truly mine which I thought was mine.
Friends who I missed so much but they have their own life and friends as well.
I'm just a part of their life.
I thought I owned myself at least.
But I can't control my mind.
And then this idea just pop out from nowhere.
And I really think about it.
Did I ever truly own anything.

Well, the answer is NO obviously.
I'm still doing things that I don't want to do.
Thinking things that I don't want to think.
Feeling the feelings that I don't want to feel.

I tend to have more time to think in this semester break.
And seems like too much time to think more than I should as well.
Maybe somehow I should change back to the old me.
Where friends are not important.
Where every friendship is just an investment.
I just don't wanna go back to those days.
That's why I'm afraid the future.
Haha...contradictory.

Contradictory 2

Love bring nothing but just pain in the end.
Undeniably that the moment we fall in love, 
everything are just too wonderful.
We lost our mind,
we won't think rationally.
I think basically lovers just think using their heart instead of their brain.
And if they were using their brain,
you can see them scratching their head,
figuring everything hard and end up making life miserable.

Telling myself not being judgmental,
but I dunno why am I judging.
Telling myself to leave it,
but dunno why am I still care.
Telling myself that everything will change,
but I'm afraid of changes.

Seems like I'm making my life miserable as well,
but in another way.
haha...what a life.
Well, life goes on.
Nothing much can do basically.

Contradictory

I found that we human always create lots of principles for ourselves.
Principles nurture us to become who we are today.
But we tend to go against our principles all the time.
Very easily.

In certain situation, all those principles are just seems so fragile and breakable.
Those principles that we hold on, can be just ignored easily.
Is just like slapping ourselves on our face.

I'm looking at you,
As if those principles was jokes that you used to tell me.
Things will never change.
And I told you everything will change eventually.
It's just a matter of time.
Well, at least you changed, I changed.
In the end.

I wonder how things gonna turn out in the future.
Well, guess I will just let the time reveal it slowly.
It must be interesting.
I think.