Independent or dependent ??

It has been a long time since I update my blog~~
Well, the first reason will be I don't have internet access on my laptop most of the time,
and the next reason will be simply lazy..

Within these few weeks,
I had been through quite a lot I guess.
I was involved in an event.
Is a Musical Drama entitled "If . 如果"
I saw tears, argument, happiness, sorrow.
There are friends who become closer,
and of course friendship which breaks into pieces as well.
All these worry me lots.
I think too much perhaps.
I worry that I would lost my my best friend in the future.
She is a nice girl, but we are just too different from each other.
She is a positive one.
While I'm the opposite.

I can feel that we started to have gaps.
But I should somehow balance it by myself.
Everyone have their own life.
I can't own her of course.
But she is the one who make me become dependent on friends,
and I have to be independent now.
How contradict is that.
But I don't have another choice.
Solo seems like the only way.

I gonna face all these things alone in future.
Watching my friends leaving me.
Watching people quarrels.
Watching how events destroy people.
I start to wonder
does PR really suit me?
haha....I really have no idea

Black

I'm not sure decisions made are right or wrong.
I know that I hurting others.
And I know that I'm hurt as well.
Never felt this tired before.
Never until I start to give up on things.

I doubt on things that I used to hold on.
Principles that I used to practice.
I wonder what others are thinking.

I'm black.
I'm dark.
I was not born in the light.
My past made me who I am today.
True happiness is just a hope.
An illusions.
I'm negative.
I think a lot.
A lot more than I should.
I'm sad when I'm alone.

Positive is not the thing I have.
Happiness is just temporary.
Either it leave me.
Or I ruin it.
I thought I changed.
Well, there is a moment I thought I can change.
Throw away my past which haunted me for so long.
Turn out all I did,
was just faking.
I don't like it.
But this is me.
I can't change it.

I'm dark.
I'm negative.
This is me.
And now,
I shall embrace the darkness within me.
And let the dark have me.
I'm alone but I'm not lonely.
I have myself.

Smile

I can put a smile on my face anytime~
Is not hard to put a fake smile.
People tend to ask less,
care less.
And things can be solved easily.

A lot of things happened,
until I had reach a point,
where I felt tired to fake a smile.
It hurts deep inside my heart.
It feels tired to be strong all the time.

I do not know why am I going through all this.
I'm tired,
and mostly I'm afraid.
I just can no longer take it,
handle it or cope with it.

Things are pouring into me
and I have no where else to release all these feelings.
For the first time,
I felt the true helpless feeling.
All alone...
facing everything.
And the only thing you can do,
Is just shiver.

You don't know me.
That's why you can be mean.

The best

I wonder did I tried my very best in my life.
Well, every single time when I thought I did my best,
there are still times where I think that actually I can do far more better than now. we

I think I had work hard enough for my study.
But I'm not satisfied.
I think I had put in effort in friendship.
But turn out our gaps are still widening.
I think I had try my best to become a better person.
but I'm still not.

Well, before I come out with a solution.
The only thing I can do perhaps is to just continue work harder.
Harder and harder and harder...
Until the day I break into pieces.
And I shall stick myself back again and try again.
I think life is all about trying harder perhaps.

I want to be the best.
In everything.
I wish I could.
To be the best,
for you.

Tired

I tend to forget what tired truly mean.
I tend to sleep less nowadays.
I tend to stay awake in the midnight.
I tend to drink more beer.

Perhaps the truly tired is my heart.
The feeling of ignorance of lots of things.
The feeling of things are not that important anymore.
The feeling of others no longer truly matter anymore.

I think I'm physically not tired but I'm mentally tired.
I wonder how things will turn out in the future.
I no longer looking forward anymore.
And what replaced that,
was fear.
I'm afraid that in the end.
We are just stranger.
We are just hi-bye friend.
We are just course mate.
And we were friends.

I wonder is there anyone care that much as me.
Or I will just hurt because I always think that others care as well.
And turn out, 
they never even bother to know how I felt actually.
I'm just a tool for them.
A tool to ask question.
A tool to just clear their doubt.
Nothing but just a tool.
We aren't even friends.
Ha-ha, pathetic.

Nothing Truly End.

Just get to know that there were lots of people who are having the same result as me.
Perhaps some are better than me..?
Who knows...

Dissatisfaction towards myself.
The feeling of want to be much more better than anyone.
The feeling of want to be on the top.
Everything I did is not enough.
Still not enough to reach where I want to be.

Worries

There are lot of things which make me worry for the past few days.
There are things which until now I still can't truly let go.
The moment when I'm alone.
The consequences of everything I had done or I may do in the future.

My anxiety increased.
I have problems with sleeping in the night.
I looked clam on my face,
but deep inside my heart.
You will never want to feel it.

I think I'm gonna gone nuts soon.
The stress is killing me.
Taking over my conscious slowly.
I wonder do I still doing things rationally.

I faked more than usual.
I'm just tired to be nice anymore.
That's why I just fake.
And someday,
I'm gonna take away my mask.

And the show will begin