I'm not fine

时间能冲淡痛苦，但是，我并不想用时间来治愈一切。

It was a torturing semester I would say.
I  know things will be hard, but I never know that I can't take it.
I thought that I was strong enough to deal with all shits,
I thought that pain is inevitable and suffer is just a choice.
I thought...
I thought I will be just fine.
But everything is just a thought.

I'm tired.

I had tried my best in coping with everything that I should but I failed.
I started to fall apart and break into pieces.
I would say I'm fine if I were asked in those days.
At least, I still can force a smile on my face.
But I can't now.
I'm not fine.

Pathetically,
I only can still tell myself,
Everything will be fine.

I'm fine

I will be fine because I need myself to stand up again.
I can't fall and keep on sitting there blaming the world.
This world is unfair.
This world is cruel and harsh.
Sitting here won't make any changes to this world or myself.
I have to stand up and deal with it.
Face it and solve it.

I used to wrote this.
I'm just someone who is afraid of failure that's why I'm working so hard now.
Definitely I'm not working hard now.
No point saying that I will work hard in the future as well.
Action speak louder than words.

所以无需担心我了，
之前担心我的人，
对不起。
现在的我，
或许不会很好。
但至少，
我还好。

Contradiction

It was a right thing to do.
I told myself.
You could have done better.
Others told me.

Believe and never give up yourself easily.
I told myself.
You are too stubborn. You never listen to others.
Others told me.

I care.
I told myself.
You just mind too much.
Others told me.

I.
Others.

Independent or dependent ??

It has been a long time since I update my blog~~
Well, the first reason will be I don't have internet access on my laptop most of the time,
and the next reason will be simply lazy..

Within these few weeks,
I had been through quite a lot I guess.
I was involved in an event.
Is a Musical Drama entitled "If . 如果"
I saw tears, argument, happiness, sorrow.
There are friends who become closer,
and of course friendship which breaks into pieces as well.
All these worry me lots.
I think too much perhaps.
I worry that I would lost my my best friend in the future.
She is a nice girl, but we are just too different from each other.
She is a positive one.
While I'm the opposite.

I can feel that we started to have gaps.
But I should somehow balance it by myself.
Everyone have their own life.
I can't own her of course.
But she is the one who make me become dependent on friends,
and I have to be independent now.
How contradict is that.
But I don't have another choice.
Solo seems like the only way.

I gonna face all these things alone in future.
Watching my friends leaving me.
Watching people quarrels.
Watching how events destroy people.
I start to wonder
does PR really suit me?
haha....I really have no idea

Black

I'm not sure decisions made are right or wrong.
I know that I hurting others.
And I know that I'm hurt as well.
Never felt this tired before.
Never until I start to give up on things.

I doubt on things that I used to hold on.
Principles that I used to practice.
I wonder what others are thinking.

I'm black.
I'm dark.
I was not born in the light.
My past made me who I am today.
True happiness is just a hope.
An illusions.
I'm negative.
I think a lot.
A lot more than I should.
I'm sad when I'm alone.

Positive is not the thing I have.
Happiness is just temporary.
Either it leave me.
Or I ruin it.
I thought I changed.
Well, there is a moment I thought I can change.
Throw away my past which haunted me for so long.
Turn out all I did,
was just faking.
I don't like it.
But this is me.
I can't change it.

I'm dark.
I'm negative.
This is me.
And now,
I shall embrace the darkness within me.
And let the dark have me.
I'm alone but I'm not lonely.
I have myself.

Smile

I can put a smile on my face anytime~
Is not hard to put a fake smile.
People tend to ask less,
care less.
And things can be solved easily.

A lot of things happened,
until I had reach a point,
where I felt tired to fake a smile.
It hurts deep inside my heart.
It feels tired to be strong all the time.

I do not know why am I going through all this.
I'm tired,
and mostly I'm afraid.
I just can no longer take it,
handle it or cope with it.

Things are pouring into me
and I have no where else to release all these feelings.
For the first time,
I felt the true helpless feeling.
All alone...
facing everything.
And the only thing you can do,
Is just shiver.

You don't know me.
That's why you can be mean.

The best

I wonder did I tried my very best in my life.
Well, every single time when I thought I did my best,
there are still times where I think that actually I can do far more better than now. we

I think I had work hard enough for my study.
But I'm not satisfied.
I think I had put in effort in friendship.
But turn out our gaps are still widening.
I think I had try my best to become a better person.
but I'm still not.

Well, before I come out with a solution.
The only thing I can do perhaps is to just continue work harder.
Harder and harder and harder...
Until the day I break into pieces.
And I shall stick myself back again and try again.
I think life is all about trying harder perhaps.

I want to be the best.
In everything.
I wish I could.
To be the best,
for you.